It’s been a long time since I really updated my blog. It just hasn’t been a priority throughout the past month or so. Partly due to being busy, partly due to lacking desire, partly due to keeping pent up emotions inside, and partly due to not having anything to really say.
I am on a Daniel fast. I have been for the past 2 weeks. Traditionally it’s giving up meat and wine, but who am I kidding, I need the meat. Not necessarily because I can’t live without it (I do love it though), but because I just lost so much weight within the past year that I never made an effort to gain back. Instead I gave up secular music and facebook.
I also started reading the bible with a friend. Two chapters a day, and we would email reflections from what we read. Reading the bible isn’t something that I did too frequently. It’s actually had its ups and downs during the two weeks I’ve been doing this. There are times I’m looking forward to it, other times it becomes so hard. Why is that? Why is reading the bible a challenge to me? Is it a direct correlation with my spiritual state? Am I unaware of my spiritual deprivation? Anyway, it keeps me reading and that’s the important part. I can cry legalism and decide not to read because i don’t “feel like it” but really i think i pull out the legalism card way too often. Sometimes you just have to grind it out. I’m thankful for this opportunity to do so.
I’ve been trying to meet up and hang out with the BU students more. I’ve never been really good at pursuing deep relationships. Maybe i don’t know how. Maybe i’m scared to do so. I do long for strong deep bonds though. Or maybe that’s just me wanting a relationship.
Which brings me to my next topic. I am turning 26 in a few weeks. I can’t quite grasp that. I forget i’m 25 at times. When I was younger I thought i’d be married by now. I tell my friends i’m over my last break up (and i should be it happened a few years ago), but I can still feel the ramifications of a huge heartbreak. I definitely am different because of it. I want a god centred relationship. I’m a lot more guarded. A lot more hesitant. I dont’ know if it’s being careful and wise, or just being a pansy and scared. Either way, i wonder what will happen in the future. I miss the parts where i can openly express how i feel with the assurance that itll be fully accepted. I guess when it comes down to it, if i really want a godly relationship, i need to be in a deep relationship with god – which i am striving for but dont think i’m quite there yet.
I have been looking for new jobs. I interviewed with one small company what started in 2002 but is growing and doing really well. In the end i got the “your interview went well, but we wanted to extend the offer to the strongest candidate.” Awesome. I then had a phone interview with Liberty. They brought me in for a face to face and i thought it went well. Maybe they thought otherwise because that interview was nearly 2 weeks ago and i haven’t heard back. Even when i tried to follow up on my application no response. Awesome.
I feel like i need change. I want change. Something to change. Maybe that’s why i thought i was at a crossroad – just dillusional. I need to keep putting my faith in God. He hasn’t failed me yet. I still find it hard though – foolish me.
Encouraged to read about your fast. And thought I’d suggest Habakkuk as a good book to read on walking by faith even when nothing’s happening. Keep leaning on Him.